Thank You for Your Time, Traitor Nation
Yaknow, people seem to love waving this flag around these days through some misplaced sense of pride; a rebellious representation of revelry in great times gone by.
Maybe mfs just don´t realize how that nation of losers never really stood a chance, even against Abraham Lincoln´s little sawed off half pint country that mostly ended at the Mississippi River.
The one that needed big time interference from the French to even stand a chance against a few boats from Britain, that one. The one they forgot to name.
Anyway, while the ACTUAL worst President in American History--James Buchanan, you dunce--somehow allowed it to congeal during his administration, the CSA had about as much chance at surviving its inauspicious beginnings as a baby being born to a woman currently dangling over the Grand Canyon by her fingernails.
Let´s even skip over the roots of the war, that could get divisive.
Instead, let´s focus on the facts here: the Confederate States of America had...almost no industry! No jobs for Those Damn Foreigners to take!
Sure, crops like tobacco offered some source of revenue, but you see, much of the national workforce was [checks notes] literally enslaved, and in the process of being transferred to another division.
Many other able bodied men were busy getting lit tf up all up and down the East Coast...doesn´t take a professor of Political Science or a rock-climbing doula to tell you that´s no way to be born.
So obviously, by the time the American Civil War truly began to unfold, most of the citizens were starving...Jefferson Davis, legendary first (and last) President of the Confederate States of America, was instrumental in fucking this whole thing up.
Oh, that´s right...Davis screwed Davis.
When discussing the President in a historical context, it is important to understand that this guy is a total joke.
Fittingly he appears on their ¨totally not US money¨ currency...iTs A gReYbAcK, and a single unit was commonly appraised at about 6 cents by the final stages of the war...don´t spend it all in one place!
Emblematic of the Confederate President´s most endearing quality--his incompetence--was his direct role in sparking the Richmond Bread Riots of 1863. By late March of this year, the CSA had been thoroughly battered...the South had been able to channel their hate into innovations such as a submarine that thrice sank and hilariously killed its creator, but the Union Army had advantages of its own, such as functioning supply lines.
Faced with this challenging set of circumstances, and his nation deep in the torturous throes of famine, this guy Jefferson Davis--hold on, I´m actually laughing while typing this, sorry--this guy Jefferson Davis suggests A NATIONAL DAY OF FASTING AND WORSHIP to support the noble cause.
My man JD pioneered ¨thoughts and prayers¨...now that´s a classic.
Then as now, this concept truly inspired the public, and they demonstrated the impact of his leadership in the form of a lawless uprising in the Confederate capital city over the following days, looting markets and supply stores because as a general rule, people do not quietly keel over and die at home when they cannot pay for food.
With chants of ¨BREAD OR BLOOD¨ filling the streets, Confederate housewives smashed through warehouse walls with axes and emptied local jewelry stores to feed their ugly, racist babies.
Imagine Washington DC itself being damn near burnt to the ground by its citizens because their 9-meal anarchy clock ran out...pretty embarrassing, right?
Obviously, the chief executive of the world´s first sovereign nation founded chiefly on the principle of human chattel slavery was more difficult to shame than the average person, and so Jefferson Davis was certainly not finished embarrassing himself in this segment.
This fn guy, I shit you not, shows up on the scene in person and starts throwing out coins--COINS!--from his pockets. ¨This is all I have!¨ he pleaded with the crowd, further enraging the axe-wielding housewives.
Jefferson Davis was not butchered into cold cuts where he stood only because of the presence of riot police, who began to load their weapons as the scene escalated. many arrests were made, although they were quickly released...the prison could not provide them with meals. The Confederate States of America went on to handily lose the Civil War at great expense to its citizens. the Southern economy was functionally destroyed, its infrastructure lay in ashes thanks to the criminal insanity of the Union Army´s General William ¨Burnin´¨ Sherman, and during the next decades a great flight of capital and talent took place that still echoes in the Southern states today.
For these reasons, and many more, the signature battle cry of ¨The South will rise again!¨ is hysterically false. It will NEVER rise again because it never rose the first time...the Confederate flight of fancy barely cleared the runway before stalling out and crashing into burning wreckage half a kilometer after takeoff...for those who would claim ¨heritage, not hate,¨ N´Sync lasted longer than the Confederate States of America.
It´s gone, you lost, get the fuck over it.
Thank you for your time!