Fine, I´ll Go ¨First.¨
Updated: Dec 14, 2020
The recent news of multiple forthcoming vaccines against the COVID-19 coronavirus have certainly stirred up some sentiment in society, and what some see as a light at the end of a tunnel others see as another train.
Now, I don't want to make it seem like I don´t understand the apprehension.
Nefarious elements in Big Pharma have been foisting incomplete, unproven, and downright dangerous drugs and treatments in the interest of profit for generations.
In my community, the Tuskegee experiment is a grimm bedtime story. I get it.
I´ve encountered a level of ridicule for my conviction here, with people in my life wondering how I can be so eager to introduce an experimental treatment into my body...the answer is simple.
According to my understanding of the world around me, it would behoove #them not to dick around on this one.
We are talking about the greatest threat to the stability of global civilization since the Second World War here.
The billionaires and backers have as much to lose--or more--from the effects of this pandemic as anyone else.
Our ability to work and consume is their lifeblood...besides, the nurses go first and it´s probably a bad idea to kill off medical professionals en masse with a botched vaccine in the depths of a global health crisis. If the doctors start dropping, we´re fucked anyway.
With travel and movement restricted worldwide, large scale events cancelled for the foreseeable future, and rolling municipal shutdowns slowing the pace of life to a torturous crawl, there really is no other way forward. I´m ready to roll up my sleeve for the human race.
Now, let´s just dismiss the real crackpot shit out of hand.
Bill Gates is not injecting microchips into people. That´s dumb, you sound dumb.
Microchips are expensive, the vaccine will be free in a lot of places, and if the co-founder of Microsoft wanted my personal data, I am typing this sentence on a Windows computer so he could probably post this piece before me if he wanted.
It's the worst supervillain scheme ever.
Also, it´s not like no one has ever had an opportunity to stick a needle inside me before. I give blood as often as they´ll let me...seems like the metal straw they use to do that would be a better delivery method for a LoJack device than one of those flimsy syringes filled with a small amount of clear liquid.
Besides, I carry a tracker device around with me voluntarily, it takes pretty good pictures and runs ¨Crazy Taxi.¨
In what may come as a surprise to some, I even have undergone a number of vaccinations in the past...many college dorms won´t let you in the door without proof of inoculation for meningitis, and I credit my childhood polio vaccine with my upright posture and uncurled bones. It could likely be said that anti-vaxxers only lived long enough to form an opinion of vaccination because of the various vaccines they have taken.
...but with all that having been typed, and antivaxxers ridiculed to my satisfaction, the fact remains that these are entirely new treatments developed within the span of a year. That is a fair point.
Thing is, in many cases it is an inadequate grasp of government´s positive features that contribute to a fear of the unknown...not that the United States hasn´t brought mistrust upon itself, but there are documented standards that must be met before a product can be introduced to the public.
These are the ¨regulations¨ you hear millionaires and millionaires at heart complaining so much about.
The labeling of milk with expiration dates (as popularized by Al Capone), the zoning of towns so that the nuclear plant doesn't go next to the elementary school, rules that require factories not to use a nearby river as a massive industrial toilet...these rules are most often written in blood.
This isn't some medical moonshine brewed up in some secret globalist bathtub...each of the vaccine options have been submitted to rigorous testing protocols...even deciding between injection and suppository for drug delivery requires extensive testing before a given cocktail of chemicals gets anywhere near a human body.
Once enough low-tier lab animals are sacrificed at the altar of science, it's time to move on to the master race.
A Phase I vaccine study tests the treatment on healthy, able bodied human adults, pretty much just to see what happens. The people that sign up for this are about as crazy as the loony humans who boarded a modified ICBM that the government planned on shooting at the moon back in the last 60s.
In any event, during a Phase I trial, any effects from the treatment are compared with the response triggered by a placebo, and anyone who drops dead during this experimental stage is recorded for posterity and modestly compensated for their time.
If that seems good enough, Phase II tests the vaccine on a new batch of volunteers numbering in the hundreds to make sure anyone who died during Phase I died for reasons related to the experiment.
This is an important distinction to make.
Phase III trials test and monitor a much larger pool of volunteers to monitor the immune response generated by a vaccine as well as any unintentional adverse effects.
Just as in the dating world, many a promising prospect has been gunned down rounding third base.
It is only after a vaccine option makes it through these thorough trials that it can be introduced to the marketplace...Phase IV is known as ¨post marketing surveillance¨ and monitors the post approval rollout of the drug for any reactions that were not apparent in previous trial phases.
Admittedly, Phase IV is where those class action suits are made...but if you or a loved one will have been harmed by a COVID vaccine, you may be entitled to financial compensation.
If you or a loved one have been harmed by COVID, you may be entitled to hospital food as your last meal before drowning in your own bodily fluids. Might get one last Zoom call with the fam, everyone loves those.
Indeed, there is a very small chance that even after months of rigorous international testing, a drug that causes harmful effects to a small number of patients can make it to drugstore shelves.
I´m just old enough to remember Fen-Phen.
However, there is a much larger chance that the deadly disease currently ravaging societies around the world, left unchecked, will destroy my organs and kill me.
That chance slowly approaches 100 percent over time...that´s how pandemics work.
And so, I understand why former Presidents lining up for the jab on live TV would not really move the needle on public perception...on the list of people I trust, the names Clinton, Bush, and Obama don't rank incredibly high.
Perhaps the word of an ordinary citizen will weigh more...and so, I shall place it on the scale.
I´ll go first. This should not sound like a heroic statement, but apparently it is.
The idea of my newly upgraded body murdering the COVID-19 coronavirus wherever it may lurk sparks joy, as does the ability to travel internationally and, yaknow, an immunity from a deadly disease carrying lifelong complications is pretty cool too. Societal superpowers are among the rich rewards of responsible citizenship.
I understand that we are in the very last stages of what is perhaps the grandest and most ambitious experiment in modern times...and so if my contribution to mankind is to help facilitate that while getting my life back, it's a service that I am proud to provide.
If anything weird happens, remember me as a pioneer.